Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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