when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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