I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
