I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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