Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
