Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
