Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
