Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
