I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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