He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
