Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
