What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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