I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
