I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
