Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
