my mouth tastes like poor choices
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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