I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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