mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
