New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
