who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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