Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
