He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
