Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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