Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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