Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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