Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
