I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
