you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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