I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
