at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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