stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I sprained my soul last night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
