im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
