I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
