As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
