I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
