Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
