Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
