I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
