Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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