I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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