You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
