can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
