tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
