We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
