so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
