I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
