Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
