Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
