Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
