My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
