I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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