I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
