you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
