so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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