I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
