when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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