every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
