So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
