last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
